Reverend randomblink

Well, maybe not so much

A bouncer applied for a job as a prison guard. The warden asked him, “Now there are some really tough guys in here. Do you think you can handle it?”

The man nodded, “No problem at all. If they don’t behave, out they go!”

Good Idea

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one hundred dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a woman who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

Clever

A little fellow named Bubba hung around Martin’s Convenience Store. Mr. Martin, the owner, couldn’t figure out what Bubba’s problem was, but the boys around the town liked to tease the little guy. For example, they’d often offer Bubba his choice between a nickel and a dime, Bubba would always take the nickel saying that it was bigger. When he would do this, all the other guys would have a big chuckle.

One afternoon, just as Bubba grabbed his nickel, Mr. Martin pulled him off to one side and said, “Bubba, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger or what?! I’d bet you know better?”

Bubba sorta grinned and said, “Well, if I took the dime, I reckon they’d quit giving me their money.”

One Wish Left

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his desk drawer.

“And what will your third wish be?” asked the genie.

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie answered, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “that was your first wish too!”

Our Government

A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking study so seriously that it’s ordering a second study to look into it.

Betting

A man bet his friend that he couldn’t ride the fly-wheel in a sawmill.

As the widow paid the bet, she remarked, “Willie was a kind husband, but he didn’t know much about fly wheels.”

The Plan

Bubba and his pal found three hand grenades in the woods. They decided they should take them to the local police station.

“What if one of them explodes before we get there?” askes the smarter of the two.

“Don’t worry about it,” says Bubba. “We’ll just lie and tell them we found only two.”

The List

For a while Emma and her husband had opposite schedules. He worked during the day, and she worked at night.

One morning Emma noticed that her husband had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read “STAMPS!” As a helpful surprise, she bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter under the note before going to work.

The next morning she found the same note with “STAMPS!” crossed out. Underneath it, he had written, “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

Neighbors

Ken and Cathy were staying at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman.

“My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, in case you’re interested,” he told them.

Despite its run-down appearance, they fell in love with the place and bought it “as is.”

The day they moved in, the handyman dropped by. “You got a good buy,” he admitted. “Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing’s shot, and the well runs dry in the summer.”

Dismayed, Ken retorted, “Why didn’t you tell us that before we bought it?!”

“Weren’t neighbors then,” he replied.

Sense of Humor

A young man was pulled over for speeding. The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” said the cop.

The young man answered, “I got here as fast as I could.”

The cop laughed and sent the young man on his way.

Suspicion

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcomes of the insurance policy with the insurance agency.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “At least twenty years.”

Point of View

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck! Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped in the water. The dog did not sink; instead, he walked straight across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting anything more than his paws wet. The pessimistic friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive hime, the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded his friend.

“He can’t swim.”

The Test

Tom met Carlos after work for a beer. Noticing Tom’s downcast face, Carlos asked, “What’s wrong, Tom?”

“The office called in a management team and gave everyone an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for.”

“So what’s wrong with that?” asked Carlos.

Tom sighed, “Well, it seems that I am best suited for unemployment.”