February 2012
Watching “2012 : Ice Age”
“The human heart is made from the only substance in the universe that can become...”
– I Wrote This For You: The Billions Of Pieces (via kari-shma)
1 tag
Promises, promises
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Young Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promised to punish you if you didn't?
Young Student: Yes, but since I broke my promise you don't have to keep yours.
1 tag
Guard Dog
Tom, a mechanic, works for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, “Mind if our new dog practices sniffing your truck?”
Tom obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed, sniffing furiously.
Tom became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after?!
After a few minutes, the guard approached...
1 tag
Clever Woman
Cynthia met a fairy that promised her one wish.
“I’d like to live forever,” said Cynthia.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Okay,” agreed Cynethia, “then I want to die after Congress gets its act together and is able to compromise on anything.”
“Ah,” smiled the fairy,...
1 tag
Parents
During one “generation gap” quarrel with his parents, young Mike cried, “I want excitement, adventure, money and beautiful women! I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try to stop me!!”
With that he headed towards the door. His father rose and began following close behind.
“Didn’t you hear what I said, Dad?!” asked the...
Yes.
1 tag
Confused
A man wanted to arrange for the disposal of a $5,000 bond, so he called his bank.
“Is the bond for redemption or conversion?” asked the clerk, needing clarification.
Confused, the man paused, “Well, am I talking to the First National Bank of the First Baptist Church?!”
1 tag
Cheapskate
Bill told his friend Doug, “It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.”
“So what did she ask for?” asked Doug.
Bill quickly replied, “She said, ‘Oh, I don’t know. Just give me something with diamonds.’ That’s why I’m giving her a deck of playing cards.”
family: don't you want to spend time with us?
internet: no you don't
me: no i don't
“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”
1 tag
Sweet Revenge
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling harshly at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to look down his hospital gown to see what was making so...
1 tag
Telling the truth
“You seem to have more than the average intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the quick-witted witness.
1 tag
Worried
Manday was leaving for a two-day conference. Her seven-year-old was becoming overly clinging and teary. Mandy was mystified at her daughters emotional reaction to her leaving until she overheard the little girl talking to her dad.
“Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?!”
1 tag
Weather Report
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still failling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasingly to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen windown and just stare.
She says that if it gets...
LAAAAAAAAATE (again)
“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but...”
Waiting on my ‘crack’ from my Doc/Dad
Waiting on I.T. to connect my new computer to the printer I’ve used daily since I took this position. Apparently, 64bit Win7 on a MONSTER machine won’t run the vbs script to connect to a simple printer… sigh
1 tag
Challenger
Stevie Wonder and TIger WOods were in a bar. Stevie asked Tiger, “How’s the old golf game?”
Tiger replied, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got it fixed now.”
“I always find that when my swing goes wrong,” began Stevie, “I need to stop playing and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it...
whatthecurtains asked: Nanalan is an old, Canadian tv show. Little green puppet child goes to her grandmother's everyday, there's a dog, and an old man neighbour. Mostly I remember laughing hysterically at it, it was a pretty awesomely ridiculous show.
